I’m not happy

Been thinking about death a lot these days, concluding that becoming a parent also means being unable to die. I can’t die. My life is shit but I just don’t have that choice. I’m also afraid, death is so final, I don’t know what’s on the other side. What if it’s worse .. or as they say, that ill be watching a replay of all this mess again. I have a daughter – the thought of leaving her behind fills me with so much sorrow (considering my fam) and the thought of taking her with me is equally crippling. I can never harm my daughter for any reason, my entire survival is for her. So I wait, in hope. That one day ill be okay again. That the sun will will shine on me again. Do a bit of this and that, forget my misery for a while then like sunset it dawns on me again. I AM NOT HAPPY.

It’s depressing. I know I sound like a broken record but I’m seriously stuck. I don’t know how to get unstuck. I have tried it all. TEARFUL, SNOTTY Prayer, salt baths, snuff baths, burning candles, LONE WALKS SHOUTING AT GOD ASKING WHY, ancestral ceremonies, sessions with mediums, meditations, gym, BINGE DRINKING, meaningless sex… defeated – I accepted and fell into silence and nothingness.. none of it seems to work.

Five years later and I’m still no better than the day when it all fell apart.

It feels like whoever is in charge, be it God, the universe, ancestors or angels are just folding their arms watching my demise despite my plea for help. I’m aware that it sounds like I’m blaming someone else and absolving my responsibility but the truth is I’m trying to make sense of it all to no avail, I feel helpless.

I grew up very meek. After being forced into having an abortion by my first boyfriend in my early twenties a sense of ENOUGH formed in me and I couldn’t allow anyone to walk all over me. The guilt of that decision lead me to lash out at anyone who even tried to test me. In my late twenties, when I miscarried my 3rd pregnancy and everyone was whispering how I deserved that pain and that it’s possible that I aborted it too– I literally saw red and told the lot of them to go TO HELL. You claim to love me and be family and yet the minute I go through a really traumatic event you see that as an opportunity to bring up my past mistakes? FUCK YOU! I didn’t care how old you were or who you were – I was out for blood. I’ve been a bit of a war monger since then.

I feel I am being punished. In my Zulu culture if you disrespect the elderly or family it is somehow believed that blessings are withheld from you, like the ancestors turn their back on you.

I don’t know if that’s the case with me or just bad luck or maybe this is how my life was meant to turn out ( according to Gods divine ways) but I’m livid!

Was I supposed to keep quite while they hurl insults at me, hurt me and my mom (who had also experienced a miscarriage before I was born) with their words, talking about how I deserved this. Taking advantage of this very sensitive and delicate moment in my life to attack me. I felt that little girl inside me, who’d been bullied, was chubby, and practically had no friends and I knew I had to stand for her this time. I had been quite for too long. Looking back it’s as if I was waited on to explode then everything was stripped off me – my independence, my honour, my being. My enemies ( being everyone I told to fly a kite) rejoice at my suffering. They started it, I retaliated and yet I’m the one in the wrong?

I have moved on from all that, have forgiven myself and them for all that but my life is still at a standstill.

It’s like I fought to have my daughter, only to bring her into poverty. I’m so ashamed of my decisions and wonder if being a mom was a good idea. The devil used the one thing he knew I really wanted after that abortion and used it fuck up my life resulting in it being one of my greatest regrets.

I may have fucked up my life by my decisions, I may even deserve all the pain I went through but even I deserve some kind of second chance, I too deserve to be forgiven and allowed to move on from this overplayed record. I’m not saying it out of entitlement but more out of despair and pure exhaustion of this cycle. Its tiring to go through the same thing time and time again. Death seems so feasible and attractive.

LQX.

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