On the 31st of Aug, 3 days after my 33rd birthday, I went to see a medium. Not because I believe in them but I just needed something.. A white woman in her 50s. I had never been to one before so I was very nervous, I had no expectations but I guess like most people going through turmoil, I was hoping for a miracle. After going through a lengthy talk about how she communicates with those crossed over and how we essentially all have this gift, She sits in silence with her eyes closed for a good couple of awkward minutes then suddenly spews out intimate details about my life and those that have passed. The accuracy was flabbergasting. I see that on TV all the time but when it happened to me, I went blank. The shock of it happening had me forgetting a couple things that only made sense long after the read.
A couple of people came through, had forgotten about some of them but my late daughter Liyana ( whom I miscarried in 2019), My sister Ntombi (who was a stillborn), both my grandmothers and someone else I never really expected- my mother in law as she’s been referred to, Lucy. . And even the child I had aborted, a boy, who would’ve been 10 today. They all had no animosity, no curse or ill will, just love, light and wellness. Could this heaven place really exist? All is forgiven and everyone over there holding hands singing ‘khumbaya’?
The children had no real message other than that they’re happy and well. They were infants when they passed and hadn’t developed a personality I can recognise. Surprisingly, Lucy was seemingly the most outspoken. We didn’t get along well while she was alive, or should I say, I was so angry with her son that I took it all on her, blaming her for raising such a ***** son (i’ll hold my profanity for the sake of the peace and calmness of which I write this post) I will confess that I was so blinded by my rage and entitlement of how my life was supposed to turn out that unfortunately I focused all my “dissatisfaction” on her. I was unable to receive her love or help because I just wanted someone to step in and fix things. He was a mama’s boy and I wanted her to fix him. Totally unaware that she too, couldn’t. He was after all, a grown man. She died a couple of hours after we had had a very heated argument. We’re not sure what killed her, but her family blamed me (of course) , she had some respiratory issues but the medium told me it was an advanced cancer. She was 73. Yes I know, WHAT THE F*** WAS I THINKING????
Ofcourse I blamed myself, riddled with guilt for years. Earlier in August, I went to her grave to humbly ask for forgiveness and explained myself. I really am not proud of my actions.
I don’t feel guilty anymore though, there’s no way I’d have such power. Can barely control my own life let alone cause someone’s death like that. I’ve done everything humanly possible to show remorse … I have nothing further. I have to move on if I plan to live.
The reading was reassuring, I needed to know that she didn’t detest me … and so it was. According to the medium she too could see the problem and was trying to help. She acknowledged that her son has a lot of growing up to do and that my fears (masked by my rage) were warranted. But I wasn’t making things easy for anyone, she wanted to show me that I was accepted and loved by her family but I was way too hot headed to notice. Frail old woman could do no more. Anyway, she understands now, all is forgiven and she loves her granddaughters and wants peace for everyone.
As for my career, well the overall message was that I have been holding myself back. I’m the reason I am stuck, which I knew of course, that same old cliche about my destiny being in my hands. But hearing that – from the dead- was a bit of a stab. It’s easier to deal with an external force that is attempting to hurt you, you can just condemn it and attack back. But finding out that there is no witch or dark force out to get you, there isn’t some religious or traditional ceremony that I need to perform to fix things, no one that I owe an apology to… something to at least indicate that after this has been done then my life will be restored. Nothing! That is disheartening, it gives me no way forward and further reiterates, at least in my mind, how deserving I am of all the misery I’ve been through. There’s no end in sight.
I’ve been aware for some time that I no longer believe in myself as I used to. I have less confidence in my abilities, not only career wise but my looks after the baby, have also taken a knock, my over all demeanor has changed. This horrific life experience had rocked me so hard mentally that it shook everything I’ve ever believed in. I feel less a child of God today than I did when I was crying myself to sleep thinking of my bullies at school. I feel less connected to my ancestors today than I did when I slaughtered a sheep for my Thanksgiving. I feel unattached to anything, the only reason why I’m still here is because I have birth to a healthy beautiful girl 4 yrs ago, she’s my sole responsibility. Otherwise I’m literally matter just floating about in space. I’m not sure about anything and I’m so discouraged to try anything. I’m aware that I’m holding myself back, standing in my own way, paralysed by my past mistakes and endless thoughts about how unskilled I am.
It’s a long road to forgiveness. Forgiving myself and trusting myself again.
I’m making sure that I treat me gently, not beating myself up and softly walking myself back to health whenever I feel the anxiety swell up. I have a little bit of hope that ill be ok.
I Just need to give myself a second chance … after all the medium also relayed a message that I’m not a ‘ terrible person’ I really needed to hear that.
I fight myself every day, I’ll win one day.