Anxious struggle: Me vs unemployment vs family

Another decline again today. What’s new? I get at least 3 a day. it’s probably the 20th this month. A thousandth in the last year. I cant catch a break!

Been applying so much I can’t remember when I applied for what or how, email, websites, career sites, drop offs, you name it. Initially I used to be so optimistic, so sure of the outcome as I ticked all requirements only to drop a tear at each enthusiastic decline. Nowadays I don’t even bother to read after “we regret to inform you” .. I know what follow, a chirpy “feel free to browse through our career site again” or the ever falsely encouraging “ we’ll keep your CV on our system and call you for any possible future positions” as if that’ll ever happen.

In my most desperate days I’d send off at least 15 applications, with a match to around half of those and others just me taking chances. In other not so hopeful days, I just fill in the answers without even reading through the entire questionnaire, it all feels so monotonous and useless. At times I give up half way because they ask questions such as “motivate why we should hire you” as if I have the luxury of big, fancy, impressive words to motivate why I need a job. I’m applying because I’m desperate, I’m hungry, broke, in huge debt and have a 4 year old to feed. Forgive me but my confidence in being sparkly and the best at anything is at an all time low, I’m faced by a dire reality and dark future everyday, where am I going to find the great amazing words to describe how awesome I am when everything around me is subtly whispering that I’m useless!!!

I never imagined I’d still be here, lately I have to hype up the little hope I have just to go on job sites again. After around 4 years of good proper unemployment, I literally have to work up the courage to talk to someone about a possible job opening in their workplace, or act like I’m still in ‘the know’ about what’s happening in the industry… listen to friends bicker about how unfulfilled they feel in their jobs and how tedious their tasks are. How they’re moving their kids to better schools whilst I can’t do much with mine then ill occasionally chirp in an agreement with them. In the meantime, I’m drowning in my own tears inside, ashamed. Embarrassed to say I can’t join them for Christmas because there’s R1000 contribution per head, instead lie and say I’ve been invited elsewhere.

I feel so shitty most times that I prefer to be alone, at home, watching TV and PLEASE no guests. It costs far less and at least I forget how the world goes on without me. Family members think I’m being selfish, some even think I stay away because I’m jealous of their accomplishments, I might even bewitch them because my heart is so dark now. I’m not bothered anymore by those comments, because I know who I am… I’ve always been a pessimist and that has nothing to do with a dark heart. I barely have money to eat where would I get some to bewitch anyone and as for jealousy… our tastes and ambitions aren’t the same so that makes no sense. I might agree that I’m salty because they were so quick to kick me when I was down, calling me names and GROWN ASS MEMBERS OF THE FAM (who should be guiding us) GOSSIPING about me. Ill also agree that I am being selfish, I’m too much in my thoughts. The new broke and purposeless me doesn’t know how to be. I feel I have nothing to add to any of their conversations so why should I be around. I don’t have a social life, I’m in no relationship, have outdated knowledge of what the workplace is, can’t discuss money because I have none, can’t influence any family decision because again I’m powerless, can’t afford to contribute to the food, drinks or kids entertainment on that day. . So basically ill just be there to watch them and feel even smaller asking for seconds. Now why would I subject myself to that?

And yes, I know I’m overthinking everything. But it’s also because I know my family. In their eyes I’m nothing now. And yes, I see how my view can be translated as very sinister, someone trapped in such darkness is capable of doing dodgy things. But the truth is I’m not wishing anyone anything bad, I just prefer to not be around things/people that remind me of my failure, I’m not sure what might trigger me.

I’m happier at home, with the little I have sharing it with other people that don’t have much either. I’ve made new friends, we actually laugh about how broke we are, make fun of how we scrape things together, discuss other possibilities and how we hope our futures turn out. Here I feel at ease, I feel accepted, no one shades me or gives me stares every time I go get a drink. There’s no competition here. I choose this family.

Right now, it’s all I need.

LQX

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