Past, present and hopeful future

As this year begins, I plan to do things a little different. I have spent the last couple of years wishing and praying for things to change and nothing happened. I’m done hoping and will just do something. Art was my favourite subject in school, s was my art teacher. My one friend knew that …

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Happy New year

On this, the last day of 2022. I’m grateful that I made it here, I’ve had some pretty bleak moments that I was sure it was the end, but somehow, something inside me wont let it be. It truly is beautiful to be alive. As I reflect on what this year meant to me. A …

I had a really good Christmas

For me, that is saying ALOT!!!! I am a pessimist and rarely want to try anything nice, especially with people I don't really get along with. I woke up on Xmas day with my daughter next to me and DECIDED that today I want to be happy, not necessarily because it was HIS birthday but …

The punishment continues,

If I got a rand for each time I have wished to die. Maybe it’s due to the festivities all around me, reiterating family, friends and love that lately I think more and more about no existing at all. No part of my life externally is going in any direction of my choosing. I just …

How do you want to be buried and remembered?

When my martenal grandmother died in 2021, due to Covid, a lot of things went left. There was high mortality in the country as Covid was claiming at least a 1000 lives daily, hospitals and funeral undertakers were inundated, people were afraid to visit one another, burials needed to take place within 3 days from …

Happiest me

Now here’s a contradiction. Nothing has changed, my circumstances remain completely unchanged BUT I feel pretty. I grew up incredibly meek and insecure, not always, but certainly around people I found intimidating, I would shrink. I was never popular, never the prettiest, not the smartest.. but somehow I would be around people like that, either …

Hullo from the other side

On the 31st of Aug, 3 days after my 33rd birthday, I went to see a medium. Not because I believe in them but I just needed something.. A white woman in her 50s. I had never been to one before so I was very nervous, I had no expectations but I guess like most …

I’m not happy

Been thinking about death a lot these days, concluding that becoming a parent also means being unable to die. I can’t die. My life is shit but I just don’t have that choice. I’m also afraid, death is so final, I don’t know what’s on the other side. What if it’s worse .. or as …

Anxious struggle: Me vs unemployment vs family

Another decline again today. What’s new? I get at least 3 a day. it’s probably the 20th this month. A thousandth in the last year. I cant catch a break! Been applying so much I can’t remember when I applied for what or how, email, websites, career sites, drop offs, you name it. Initially I …

Dim reminders: Phantom pregnancy

It has been a year and half since my miscarriage (March 10th 2019) and the thought of what could’ve been still lives with me. The last few days, I have felt strange movements in my tummy, initially, I thought it was just gas, but it’s been 3 days now. I think it’s something else. I have …