Dim reminders: Phantom pregnancy

It has been a year and half since my miscarriage (March 10th 2019) and the thought of what could’ve been still lives with me.

The last few days, I have felt strange movements in my tummy, initially, I thought it was just gas, but it’s been 3 days now. I think it’s something else. I have been paying attention to my health, mostly because I’m a self diagnosed constantly depressed house mom. I just try rate how I feel daily…kinda so I know if I’m doing better or worse. I don’t feel any pain, when this movement occurs, there isn’t any pain at all… a few bulges maybe, but no pain. I thought about things I ate but there’s nothing out of the ordinary. I haven’t been sexually active in a very long minute so that’s a dead end!

I’ve been thinking about what it would be like had my child lived, had I not had an abortion 7years ago…. I want another baby.

My daughter is now 2 and a half… she is my reason for tolerating this life. Sometimes though, I can sense she knows she wasn’t supposed to be alone. She knows that the life we living now, isn’t the life we were meant to live. It hurts. A lot. It doesn’t matter how many lies I tell myself, when I look at her, the truth stares back at me. It’s in her scream when she cries and throws tantrums, In her playfulness when she grabs my hand and gestures for me to chase her around the house, or dance along, sing along, mimic her favourite cartoons. I see it when I drop her off at the nursery, how the sudden “I’m alone” look fills up her entire demeanour. I have to hold myself back from running back and take her home. Mostly, it’s in my memories, I’m a middle child of 2 miscarriages, the first to live, my brother is the last born.. 5 yrs from me. There has always been a disconnect between me and everyone else. I’m surrounded by twins, Irish twins for some, everyone else has a sibling for a friend except me … I always have this feeling, that something is missing. Could things have turned out differently for me had my siblings lived?

Strange how history has repeated itself, Linda, my daughter, is too a middle child of 2 unsuccessful pregnancies. If her life is ever to turn out like mine… God would seriously be cruel. It would seriously be a nightmare. Everything looked good and well from the outside, but it wasn’t… it still isn’t.

I have failed her. Sometimes I do feel that losing her may have been in her best interest, that whatever allowed me to have her, was really just for torture.  A constant reminder of how much I’m failing myself, her and life itself.

I have tried so hard to get up… like I have stooped so low in the name of getting up I can barely recognise myself in the mirror. And yet all those efforts were in vain. Because I’m still down here.

I love her so much that I have prayed for death, not just mine but for us both at the same time. I can’t bear the thought of leaving her behind. If this action is sinful, would deny me entrance to the heavens, I would at least like to hand her back personally to whomever granted me her. Say my gratitudes then depart to the pits of hell. She deserves so much more.

Going through this nightmare has only reinforced my initial thought and belief for terminating my first pregnancy at 24… when I terminated.. my belief was that I wasn’t ready, in any fashion. The other party reiterated that. He was married and although had 3 other kids by 3 other women, he wasn’t ready for mine. I didn’t want to have a baby that I would raise on my own. A child that would remind me of my mistake. A child I would have to explain to why they didn’t have a father or one whom I would have to beg it’s father to father it.

I terminated in the name of “I want better” and “I can do better than that”..

Little did I know, a relationship disguised as better would give me just that… the same serving I had returned back to the kitchen. Only this time, it was dressed in shinier clothes. Lol.

What I was running away from would come to find me again 4 years later. Unaware. So not ready. Didn’t see that coming. My jaw is still on the floor in disbelief.

Phantom pregnancies aren’t helping, just like my daughter’s face, they keep reminding me of what could’ve been. And what I certainly don’t have… and may never.

I’m working towards making peace with the “may never” part. Hard but …. I have to face reality. In the mean time, I’m researching how to terminate phantom pregnancies….. hopefully this termination does’nt come find me 4 years later.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s