Looming 31st

When I was 21 I thought 30 was old. I had my whole life ahead of me and it seemed decades away. I can go as far as to say I thought I’d never get there. When you’re young, it seems like you’ll be young forever. Getting old is..kind of a myth.

I thought 30 was mature,married with children, certain of itself, has direction and steady progression and in fact according to my teenage journal I thought if anything, by 30 I’d be CEO of my own corporation. I used to look at people older than me in entry level jobs and wonder why they didn’t invest in themselves when they were younger, why aren’t they more ambitious and why aren’t they much further in life. Little did I know that soon, I’d be served my own cold glass of reality . In a few days, ill be 31. And I’m nothing close to what I thought 30 was. Nowhere close to the vision.

As I write this, a huge sense of extreme self disappointment overcomes me, I  feel old, a heaviness on my spirit because life literally went left. My life  unraveled just before I turned 30. A single act of falling pregnant, culminated into a a life of horrors (at least in head) Needless to say this next decade of my life isn’t starting off so well and has me holding my breath for the next couple years to come. Judging from where I am now, *sigh*

The good stuff though is I am a whole lot more empathetic, I don’t live in the clouds much (or should I say in  high rise buildings) and I’ve had to dig deep within me to find out what I am made of. WHAT is it that Leko wants and HOW does she want to be. It’s a self seeking journey – most times I’m afraid of what will surface. I have been reflecting a lot on my 20’s and whilst some situations have left me proud, satisfied and reminiscent of the good old me, some (most) have me reaching for the light switch, turn it off, dig a hole, hide. Gosh I was so naive!

Interesting how perspective changes once you distance yourself from the situation. Most arguments were unnecessary, dimming my light to please others was short changing myself, trying to make friends with people who despised and gossiped about me, dating some guy – for the sake of dating, spending money I never really had and jumping oceans for people who aren’t even bothered to answer the phone in my time of need. The list goes and on…lets just say I think of that girl and wonder… what world was she living in? What did she think was happening here?

Then I realise, I was only doing what I knew with the information I had. In  my head, it was the right and most logical thing to do. I wanted to be popular, to be perceived as smart, posh with an unending youth.

I’ll probably look back at these entries one day and kick myself for over-sharing.

On more self soothing days I try to be gentle with myself. I tell Leko – I’m growing, I’m learning and becoming. I can choose to destroy and recreate a new version of me anytime. I just have to remember that I need to choose myself EVERY SINGLE TIME! It’s hard, it’s full of lonely midnight tears, full of illogical mirror talks and bubble baths. But ill get there.

 I hope this next decade of my life breeds: my rise and the knowledge of who I truly am. A certainty of self and a constant sound track in my head that chimes “you deserve to be here”. I hope it breeds a strong woman of substance, the reinstatement of my independence and mental freedom. More healthy beautiful children, a true harmonious love, peace of a balanced mind and health. for me and all my loved ones.

Above all, my daughter got to meet the real me. No bells and whistles, Just plain Leko. Her Mom, with nothing else but buckloads of love for her. For that, it’s a price well worth paying.

Cheers to my 31st.

Love LQX.

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